You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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