seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
