god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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