I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
