I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
