This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize