Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
