the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
