he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
