I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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