I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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