hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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