I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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