Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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