Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize