Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
