When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
