Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
