life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
