Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
