The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
