if you like me you must not know who I am
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
