when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
