There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
