Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
