I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
