Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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