Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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