so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
