1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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