Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
