Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize