I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize