it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize