the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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