Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
