There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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