Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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