i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That accounts for only three of the penises
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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