i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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