If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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