I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
