I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
