Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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