There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
