In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
