Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
