just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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