I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
