why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
