I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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