it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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