I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
