It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
