this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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