I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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