The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize