cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
