How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
