You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
