I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
