I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
When are your genitals available?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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