Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
