The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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