in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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