If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
